Birth of my little man

At 8 pm I started pushing. I pushed for 2 1/2 hours. Max’s heart rate kept dropping to the 80-90 region which was bad. So we would stop for a few contractions. Max’s head got to a point where they could see it but it was just coning not the skull. So they called in dr twede who got out the vacuum to try to pull him out. Not only did it not work but after he pulled on him it popped off his head. He said we could keep trying but it would put max in distress and won’t work anyways. He said we are going to have to do a c-section. 

I was very very nervous. Dr twede kept apologizing. He just kept saying I’m sorry I know this isn’t how you planned on today going but this is going to be the safest way. I trust dr twede and knew he had our best interest at heart. He had to leave to get everything set up in the OR but kept coming back to check on me.

McKay was nervous as well so he asked if we could say a prayer together because he couldn’t give me a blessing alone. It calmed my nerves and I knew everything was going to be ok.

McKay would go silent because something was happening. 

It took a little extra to get Max’s head out because I had pushed him pretty far into the birth canal so he was stuck. In fact, dr twede later told me his arm hurt for a day after because it took so much effort to get him out.

22:37 pm was Max’s time of birth!!

Once they got him out dr twede told me that they rushed him away. McKay said he was moving but something was wrong.  I couldn’t hear him cry. McKay sat watching him for about 30 seconds and I told him to go be with Max. He quickly obeyed. Dr Yee again was by my side explaining what was going on. He said Max was pink which is a good sign but he wasn’t breathing. 

I felt at peace. He finally started crying a little bit but not a lot. At least I thought he had. McKay later told me I was hearing a baby next door and that max was only grunting, which is basically like a baby gasping for air.  I fell asleep/ passed out thinking everything was going great. I was just so exhausted. I thought I was out for hours but it turned out to only be 15 minutes.

When I woke up I was in the recovery room but neither Mckay nor max was in the room with me. He was born with either bi lateral pneumothorax and pneumonia. 

They had called in a special team from IMC Hospital that arrived via life flight to take Max back with them. I was still a little out of it and I was very very shaky which didn’t help with the pain in my stomach. I noticed my shaking got worse the more I thought about max. 

I was told that Doug and Michelle were there. They had arrived right when he was born and they announced his birth. Immediately followed by a code blue call was made. Michelle asked if that was baby McDougal. The nurse was just annoyed with her and wouldn’t give her any answers. 

McKay came in to tell me what was happening and that he’s been keeping max company while they have been working on him. They had a special team there from IMC that was helping. They used a syringe to go into his chest cavity to pull out some of the air that was in there. They wanted to make him stable for transport. He was in a hurry to get back. The pediatrician Dr Kathy little came in to go over everything with me. It didn’t sound like she knew much though. I asked about the pneumothorax.  They were going to transport max. I told him he had to go with max. That I was fine but our baby boy needed him. 

Before taking max to IMC they brought him in for me to meet him. He was so skinny and fragile hooked up to an incubator. I held his hand and tried to get some pictures so I could at least see his face. Neither of us could move and I could barely reach him. It broke my heart to see him like that. I was so worried for him but at the same time had a sense of peace. I knew at least his daddy would be with him.

He was at the NICU for 9 days.  Then he was on oxygen for a month and a half after.  Now he is doing great.

THANKS-giving

There is so much for which we should be thankful.  My heart has been so full lately of all the wonderful blessings which have been bestowed upon me in just this year alone.  There have been so many wonderful, awe-inspiring people who have touched my life.  I know that I will never be the same again due to the inspiration, excitement, spirit and joy that they have brought into my life, among so much more.

I am grateful for my family and the support that they have given me.  They have always made me feel like I can do anything.

They are the people who know my potential and push me to be better, stronger and help more people.  

They always can recognize when I am down and are able to help me change my perspective while putting a smile on my face.

I am grateful for my friends who stand by my side to lift me up, listen and talk me through my trials. 

Friends who are there through thick and thin and make you feel

 like you deserve the absolute best the world has to offer and

 makes you feel like you have something to offer the world.

I am grateful for the knowledge that I have had the opportunity to gain through many sources; whether those sources be: through books, teachers, family members, friends, the spirit or personal insight.  This also includes the ability to use that knowledge to not only better your own personal self but also lift others when they have fallen.

I am grateful that I am a member of an amazing church that helps me grow, lift others, and learn the essentials to true happiness.  I am grateful for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ; for his life, teachings, love, and willingness to serve.  I am especially grateful for his sacrifice and the daily support he gives me to make this life a little easier to live through even when bad things happen all around us.   I am grateful that he has given us books to help us learn more about him to draw nearer to him, and learn more about his other servants the prophets.  I am grateful that he has given us a place where we can bring salvation to those who have gone before us, where he dwells and where we can receive the revelation we need to help us with our individual problems.  I am grateful that we can have a family united for all eternity.  I am grateful for the power which Christ had is restored back to the earth to assist us in bringing eternal happiness and salvation to the world and guidance in our everyday life.

I am grateful for the beauty of this earth; from a droplet of water brought in by the rain, to the magnificent mountains and so many more awe-inspiring aspects of this exquisite earth.  I am grateful that every single day I can walk outside and see some stunning sign that God loves me and each of us; whether that be through giving me a hug through the setting of the sun, to warming my soul by blanketing the ground with a breath-taking blizzard, lifting my spirits by elevating my sights to the stars that decorate the night sky.

To those who have been in my life in one way or another; whether it be large or small:  You have inspired me.  You have lifted me to a higher state of being.  You have touched my life and my heart even by some act that you might find as minuscule or insignificant.  You have been my rocks, my inspiration, my motivation, and you have taught me to love.  You have helped me so much on this path of life

I am the person I am today because of you and for that I just want to say Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  I love you all and wish you the most joyous of days.  I pray that you receive tenfold what you have given me.

Happy THANKS-giving!

Who says a mother only carries her child for 9 months?
'Carry' by definition means to support from one place to another, it also means to hold or be capable of holding. My mom carries me to higher ground when I feel like I'm drowning. My mom carries me to the fountain of living water when I have been spiritually dehydrated. My mom carries me when I have been too weak to walk alone. My mom carries me when I am broken, tattered and bruised; when the world seems unkind and nothing seems to go right she carries me to a better place!
For all the times she carries me I will forever carry her in my heart!

Halloween party

So our apartment complex had a big Halloween Party.  My roommates Emily and Kelsi and I went to it.  It was fun and lots of dancing.  I have to admit... we were pretty cute.

The party was fun... but I think half the fun was getting ready.  I love Halloween!

Perfection...?

As a college student it is so easy to feel like we have to be perfect at everything.  It is a very competitive world out there and it is so easy to compare ourselves to others.  There are a lot of people who seem to be perfect.  It’s so easy to be hard on ourselves when we fall short.  We all seem to notice our weaknesses more than anyone else and we it’s easy to focus on them.

On sunday we had a lesson that really has helped me in Relief society.  I don't know if you happened to read Elder Utchdorf's talk from the Relief society general broadcast but it wasto put all of that into perspective.  It was on a talk given by Elder Utchdorf from the relief society general meeting.   His talk was so amazing, well most of theirs are amazing but his particularly stuck out to me.  I won't make you read the entire thing (though it is pretty amazing) but there is one section that i love the most.  He said:

First, forget not to be patient with yourself.

God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.

Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

It’s wonderful that you have strengths.

And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.

God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect, and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It’s OK that you’re not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself.

Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself.

In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life’s sweetest experiences.

For example, insisting that you have a picture-perfect family home evening each week—even though doing so makes you and everyone around you miserable—may not be the best choice. Instead, ask yourself, “What could we do as a family that would be enjoyable and spiritual and bring us closer together?” That family home evening—though it may be modest in scope and execution—may have far more positive long-term results.

Our journey toward perfection is long, but we can find wonder and delight in even the tiniest steps in that journey.”

So I don't know if that can help you at all but it really helps me.  While I was on my mission I was having a hard time with this.  Not because I thought I had to be perfect but I did feel like I wasn't doing quiet enough to be able to help more people, even though I was doing everything I could think of at the time.  It’s really easy to get down on yourself about stuff like that especially if you aren't seeing the results that you want.  So during one of my interviews with my mission president I explained the way that I felt to him.  He told me that that feeling is normal for everyone.  Then I thought he was going to share with me some things that I could work on to start out.  He pulled out his scriptures and said "What do you think about Nephi?  Was he a great missionary, and follower of Christ?" I agreed wholeheartedly.   Then he shared a scripture with me that has stuck with me to this day.  He read 2 Nephi 4:17-18 to me it says:

"Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me."

Even though Nephi was probably one of the most amazing people in the history of mankind he thought of himself as "wretched".  I had read that scripture many times before but it never hit me so had the meaning behind that then it did just then.  But what got me the most is what he said after that until the end of the chapter as he explained what he does to compensate for that.  I'll let you read that part on your own but I just loved it so much.  Since that day I have tried to find ways that I can make the end of that chapter my life goal and theme.  Whenever I'm hard on myself I try to remember that chapter and realize that I'm not perfect but someone that is can be my teacher and help me every step of the way.

I know that I am not perfect and I have many weaknesses.  However, like it says in Ether 12:27

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

The lord is aware of us, our needs, strengths and weaknesses.  If we are humble and have faith in his he can help lift us up and become stronger.  We don’t have to be perfect. There is only one that is perfect and he just expects us to follow him and lean on him so that his perfection can compensate for our faults and weaknesses.

Broken!

       A week after I got home from my mission I made a small mistake (at least I thought it was small at the time). I tripped going down the stairs.  My foot hurt but I didn’t think it was badly injured, maybe sprained.  I thought I could take care of it myself and I didn’t need anyone’s help to fix it.  I thought since it didn’t hurt too badly I should try and walk on it (they say if you can put pressure on it then it’s not broken).  SO I tried this and it hurt but I could put pressure on it and I could avoid screaming.  The day went on and the pain intensified and my foot started to swell.  That night I couldn’t rest, the pain from my foot was too intense that I couldn’t get any peace.  The next day I gave in, the pain was strong for me to handle on my own, I needed help.  The doctor told me that it was broken and that it was worse than I had thought it was.  He said that my foot was not only broken it had twisted and parts were splintered off.   The doctor told me that in order to fix my foot he would have to do surgery on it.  However, because I waited it had actually gotten to swollen for him to fix it that day. So I would have to wait and even though it was embarrassing and painful I waited with my foot up for what felt like forever, it was only a week.   He even gave me some things I could do to help with the pain and some medication I could take.  Then I went in for surgery and the doctor fixed up my foot.  He had done everything he could do now it was up to me to heal.  He gave me some exercises and again some medication to help dull the pain and with that help I would be able to heal properly.

                Similar to what happened to my foot there are many times in our life when we make mistakes.  Sometimes we might think it’s not that big of a deal and that we can handle it ourselves.  We think we are strong enough to fix all of the problems on our own.  However, like my foot many times there are deeper wounds that we can’t even see from the surface from our supposedly small mistake.  We can’t see them on our own we need someone who has the power and training to help us see them and to help us fix them.  That is when we need to go talk to our bishop, our ward family doctor.   They are there to help us heal properly and see any damage that we might not be able to see for ourselves.  If you put off talking to him or think that you can do it yourself you might make the mistake more difficult to fix and in some cases (like in the case of my foot) you might make the damage worse.  Occasionally when the circumstances require we might need to wait, like I did with my foot for the swelling to go down, or in spiritual matters we might need to abstain from partaking of the sacrament.  Though this might be painful or embarrassing he is not doing it to punish you. He only does this so that the day when you do get to go and partake of the sacrament again you can do so and have your spirit be completely ready for to be fully healed.  It is all part of the complete healing process.

                Repentance isn’t easy and sometimes it’s a little painful but the Lord is there every step of the way helping you dull the pain.  The bishop might have you read some scriptures or do some specific things that will help you invite the spirit help your healing process.  The Lord works through the bishop, he has taught him everything that he knows and through this process we can be healed of all of our so called little mistakes.

                Now my scar is getting smaller but it will forever be there as a constant reminder of that small mistake I made.  Sometimes we might have a small reminder of the mistakes that we have made; we might remember what we have done.  This isn’t done to torture us and make us think that we really haven’t healed all the way.  We only have these small reminders there to remind us not of our mistake but of our healing.  My scar will always remind me not to make that same mistake again but not only that, my scar will always remind me of who I had to rely on in order to heal properly.  I know I couldn’t have healed on my own and I will always remember who I can turn to for help.  I alone might have made a mistake but I am never alone when it comes to fixing it.

I am not ashamed!!!

“There are times when I feel so unsure if the words I speak will be the cure.  What if my voice could change a heart?  Lord, teach me where to start.  While on my knees I’m pleading so that I can show that I am not ashamed, to stand and say what I believe. I know that he’s my savior.  He’s my strength and every need.  There is one name under heaven. Christ, he is my king.  For him I’ll give my life.  I am not ashamed.”

 Romans 1:16 “I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ”.  The gospel is nothing to be ashamed of but something to be proud of.   As Gordon B. Hinckley explained in a talk he once gave called "A Perfect Brightness of Hope" he said "We rejoice with you in the gospel of Jesus Christ. There are many blessings in store for you. We know at times it can be terribly lonely. It can be disappointing. It can be frightening. We of this Church are far more different from the world than we are prone to think we are. But the gospel is nothing to be ashamed of. It is something to be proud of. “Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord,” wrote Paul to Timothy (2 Timothy 1:8)."

 In the bible it talks about how the church is like a body (1 Cor 12:11-27: you should read it).  Every member of the body is important and plays an important part to the function of the body as a whole.  There are times when we might think that we are small and we don’t matter much.  Sometimes we think that it wouldn’t make a difference if we weren’t there because we think ‘what kind of contribution can I make?  I’m no one important.”  However, every part of our body is important.  Even if we were missing our little baby toes, our balance would be off and we would have to learn how to walk all over again; because they play a vital role in the function of the rest of our body.  When we look at the body as a whole we often overlook the importance of such a small feature but it is needed nonetheless.

 Our comments and contributions are important.  The spirit works in mysterious ways and he might impress you to say something that another person has been wondering.     You might have the answer to someone else’s prayer.  Of course it is not going to be easy and you are going to be a little frightened or intimidated at first, but who do you think is putting those fears inside your head?  Whenever there is an opportunity to grow spiritually there is always going to be opposition, because there is someone who doesn’t want us to be happy or help each other.  So he will put doubts in your head; doubts about whether or not your comment is worth sharing.  The only way to get over this fear is to open your mouth and just share what you have inside and the spirit will direct you with what to say. 

The more you turn away from, or deny the spirit the more difficult it is to recognize when he is calling you.  If you keep letting fear stop you from saying what the spirit has put into your mind, he is not going to be able to trust you as much with more revelation because he knows that you aren’t going to share it.  If will be more difficult for you to be in instrument in his hands when you are afraid of doing the work.  However, if you try to overcome your fear and allow him to work through you; he will give you strength.  He can make you strong enough to face your fears and help lift others who have fallen.  It is then that he can raise you to a higher level, closer to him.

The church of Jesus Christ isn’t a place where everyone goes just so that they can individually progress and leave everyone else in the dust.  It is a place where we can lift and strengthen others along our path.  Everything in the organization of the church is set up so that each person can help others, not so that they can help themselves.  The prophet isn’t called so that he can receive personal revelation that for him to keep to himself so that he is the only one that is saved.  No, he is called to teach and testify to the world of how they can be saved.  He receives revelation to prepare the world for what is coming.  The priesthood, as well, isn’t made or given to men so that they can bless themselves.  In fact, priesthood holders have to ask other priesthood holders to give them a blessing.  The priesthood is always given so that men can better serve others and lift their fellow men.  Every calling there is in the church is only an opportunity to serve others.  It is when we magnify these callings that the Lord can make us stronger.  Like Christ said in Moses 1:39 “For behold, this is my work and my glory; to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.”  Due to the fact that Christ wants to bring to pass the eternal life of ALL mankind he will bless us when we help him in reaching his goal.  We do that by letting the spirit work through us and sharing the thoughts that he has put in our hearts.  It is then that true happiness can be felt.

There are many who are out there that need our help with coming back to the church.  In Alma 31:34-35 Alma makes a supplication to God for his strength and help with being able to bring their souls back to him.  We must do the same and ask for God’s help to receive the revelation needed to help our brothers. We must ask for his strength to overcome our fears and be able to declare those things to our brethren.  We might be the difference in their decision to come back to the church.  You can help them feel welcome and wanted.  All you have to do is allow God to work through you.

I am so grateful for this gospel in my life.  I know that when we serve others we serve our God and help his cause.  It is a personal goal of mine to not allow my fear stand in the way of me sharing testimony of him at all times and speak the words that are in my heart.  My Lord and Savior have done everything for me.  The least I can do is live for them!  In his name, I share these things, even Jesus Christ. Amen